Rock Bottom

Hey there! Long time huh?

Picking up the pen after this long sure feels tough, but I have to do it. During this long hiatus I realized one thing, that writing keeps your emotions in check. It helps you measure yourself as a person. It empowers you. I mean, in this oh-so-dynamic world you hold no real power other than your words. So without further ado, let me say my piece and be done with it.

I believe most of you, who are reading this, are standing at the same square and asking yourself the same damn thing as I do these days: where the hell am I supposed to go from here?

Quite a tough one, ain’t it? Scary too, if we are being honest. I mean, that is what we are told from the start right, study well and get a good job. And there you have it, your happily ever after.

Well, we did study well and we will get a job(everyone does, eventually) but nobody seems to be happy. Everyone is caught up in a cycle of hurting and loneliness. Though, we do have learnt how to lie and fake a smile. Teenage does that to everyone.

The saddest part of this is, we don’t ever try to explore our own self.  We are too scared to even try. Too scared to discuss our issues, too scared to even admit it, too scared to say no to our cool mates who measure extents of our personalities with how much intoxication our bodies can handle, too scared to tell your own family that you are breaking down, too scared to reach out, too scared to start over.

With being this scared in life,  when we realize what went wrong, the damage has already been done. By the time you won’t be scared anymore,  you will be too late to do anything about it.

Right now, from where I stand It all looks very bleak to me. The goals and dreams I had as a kid are long gone. There is no excitement towards anything, anymore. I feel alienated on every front. The mainstream targets from here on look almost impossible to me. I have no hopes, this is the rock bottom. I am sure you can relate to it, but there is something assuring about this place, because from here you can only rise. Though, there is no assurance that you will be happy with your life from here onward.

The problem is not that we don’t know what to be in life, the problem is that we never care to ask ourselves who we are. Society, family, friends mould you according to them and they will keep at it till you break or be exactly who they want you to be. Some people accept that, some people compromise but for fuck’s sake I won’t and neither should you. Be brave and make mistakes, own them up and correct them. That is how character is built. If you care for opinions at this young age, dude you are so fucked. Nobody really gives a shit about you. Its about time you did that for yourself.

More power to you, asshole!

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Closing thoughts  

​A flow of thoughts . 

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if we achieved everything we wanted to achieve and our plans went according to the layouts but life is such a big surprise.I am very well aware of the fact that nothing in life is easy and one always has complaints from life but here I am sitting  in the “padmasan” posture contemplating everything that could happen to me but didn’t . 

I was supposed to start masters; get into a good college and would be working my ass off( by now) but on the contrary none of my plans worked, partly because of my own cloudy head and the other reasons. 

Nothing started and I still remain jobless. I never wanted to be this person and I am not this person

But there are some good things that came along and today I will pen them all down ..

You see … I know most of you will quit from here, after the above stated but let me tell you there is a lot I can speak about depression and there’s a bitter truth attached to this, which is that depression never goes away. It remains with you since the moment the seed of it gets instilled in your system, all you can do is keep an eye on it like a sentinel. You can  work hard towards your happiness and wash those gray areas dry but

As to what I learnt.

1. Humility: I learnt that humility is something one can never get enough of. Now that I remember it I understand as to how foolish I was: judging people, their choices, their relationships but one foot into my own sheepishly daunting life. I realized everyone has/had a story of their own and that even if it doesn’t matter. There are reasons as to why things are the way they are. 

2. To not be Judgmental : this comes as the only observation that the more we judge the more negativity we attract .I realized or I am still am( I am a judgmental prick; what can I do now) so the more we embrace things and hug them out. The better we are and the more peaceful it is. 

This realzation helped a lot; especially with interpersonal relationships. 

3. To initiate : To start taking initiatives because being scared of something and being lazy has always killed the aftermath. If something needs to be done and you are aware of it “just do it”. I took an initiative to be healthy, to go back to the people with whom I scarred my relationships: it made my connections stronger and my life much better. I discovered that mathematics ain’t that bad… so please initiate. Atleast for the aftermath.

4. Health is wealth : After my GC warned me about weighing 76 kilos on the Weighing Scale. I took an initiative to put my health to check. As a result even if I ain’t the healthiest person on planet today; I now know, how much being healthy means and I am working with every inch I can to maintain my health. 

5. To Embrace your people: I learnt the most important lesson, that it’s okay to be lonely and to feel lonely but at the same time its equally important to embrace your people .. It had been and it’ll always be mentally and physically challenging but it’s because of your “folk” you are what you are. So figure out your important people and it’s totally cool for them to know that you love them and inspite of all your cracks, it’s their glue that keeps you intact (inside out)

P.S: Your love is the reason I am writing this down today . You know who you all are.

* Especially if you are Narcissistic 😉 you are everything I am speaking of *
Thankyou for the read.

Wishing you all a very positive New year ahead . 
With love 

– Sarah

THE ABYSS

The Abyss ..

These days I dream a lot
I dream of falling into an Abyss
It’s so deep that I never hit the bottom
the dream seems Outlandish

I feel – I am at peace and fully content
I feel – I am at chaos and full of contempt
I feel – I am happy and Gay
I feel – I am lost and there’s no hope to live

These days I dream a lot
I dream of falling into an Abyss
I wake up sweating.
I want to hit the rock bottom, the Abyss is dark and drenched
I wake up in the bliss
I have a place where I belong – the Abyss

I feel – I am a lone traveler I need no one
I feel – I need love and I am horribly limited
I feel – I want to express myself, I want to cry out loud it’s scary
I feel – I am in a void I feel nothing and that nothing is perfection

These days I dream a lot
I dream of falling into an Abyss
It’s comical because it’s all in my head
I dream of falling into an Abyss
It’s so real because I want to but it’s a dream
I dream of falling into an Abyss
It’s so deep that I never hit the bottom

I second: ME

 

One of the greatest playwright in the history of English literature explained our course of happiness so beautifully “When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions”, this got me to thinking about the fact that are we solely to blame ourselves for the conditions of heart. With the recent course of events in my life, I realized that often we place others ahead of ourselves sometimes so much to an extent where we forget how it is to have felt to be loved? What do we do in such a situation? Do we use the principal of opportunity cost as we were taught in those lessons of economics or do we just hope for sunshine to pass through but then there’s the concept of hurt which is as simple as the fact that hurt is followed by pain.

Why do ”we” as a human race being emotionally viable to each other end up being so incapable that we feel we are no more socially “there”. A part of the answer lies in the fact that once we get used to a specific environment a little change always makes us tipsy, I am very sure in a life run of 50-70-100 years, none of us will shower much importance to an year of draught but whilst we are living it, IT’S FOREVER.

Personally I have been stumbling upon it and have been looking for answers myself though I am not very sure If I ever found an answer, I did come face to face with the things that smuggle in the air mostly the sort of words that include pleasant gestures “Oh, her: She is catchy and easily accessible”, “Man, don’t you even get me started she is using you to get back to me”, “Did I not ask her to mind her own business” and…. So now there’s again an issue – not only did you lose those beautiful people in your life (you thought they would never leave you) but also you heard them now (more like the current trend : THEN AND NOW) so you do the only thing you can (that you shouldn’t have) you go and talk to someone about it, where in that never helps which is a never with an infinity etched to it.  Other|s| will only tell you that this had happened to them before and they have learnt to live with it but NO.! No one ever learns hurt or to live with it and your scars are yours no matter how small and insignificant they look to others.

So I started doing what I could possibly do, I discovered this that – before I manage other’s time tables, before I tell them that they need to save before they spend, before they yell “ WHY DO YOU CARE” . There will be “ME” this doesn’t come from pride but from giving away too much before I possibly lose myself over a need of being loved.

It’s just the way Candace Bundshell once wrote “ I love you, but I love me more” hence happiness is in dates with PJ’s on, in front of TV. It’s totally in the joy of having that one dessert you avoided for several months because well because a diet hath no sugar (said those fat shamers) and it’s totally in going for those long walks.

I am a woman – too

i am a woman – too – i might not smile bright
not look around twice ,
and totally hate pink , loving those blues
but is this all you need to call me a woman ?
i am entitled to judgement , just as you !
might swear a little more but hey , i learnt it from you .
I learnt to stand strong
cos a whirlwind can break two.,
what you call tomboyish
i chose to name it freedom
for I am a human too .
what you call elegance is totally untrue
as
beauty products can’t buy me and so can’t you .,
i love the silence , the warmth and knowledge
so if I surpass you
will it make me more than you ?
I call you honey
not for you
cos I am sweet which should effect you .
if this aint enough please let me know ,
cos hey ! i am enough a woman that you don’t know .
the confidence that i estimate ain’t all glued ,
deep within i cry too
but tears withhold the zeal to earn a meal for two
as ambition is something i am sticking to,
so if I let you know this
does it make me a fool?
erm! i love myself too ..
love, affection , pampering , craze and laughter I ve seen these ,
so true!
but is that all I need to live life through.
what don’t you understand ?
please let me know ….
because
hey ! i am a woman – too

~sarah

– Rahul and Sarah with love

Make a name for oneself

Just like every month, our doorbell rang and he was standing there, near his decades old bicycle. He handed me the two copies of “अखण्ड ज्योति” with a smile.
(If you must know, it is an Indian monthly magazine of Gayatri Pariwar. It broadly covers social issues, personality development and scientific spirituality.) The only difference being, this time his legs were shaking and his smile was feeble than ever, I asked him to come inside and have something but like always, he said he had more copies to distribute.

I watched him ride on his cycle with a little difficulty and slowly paddle away until he disappeared in the corner. Coming to think of it, he has ( had) been distributing these magazines for years I believe.

All this left me with a sudden chill that how devoted is this fellow.
You see, ours is a colony of retired defense soldiers and I’m pretty sure he had enough pension to spend his last days peacefully in comfort. So what kept bugging me was that why would anyone take so much pain to just spread the word, cycle miles for a mere cause no matter how noble, and most importantly how could anyone be so selfless when they don’t get recognized for their efforts.

It was killing me deep inside to realize that one of these days, he’s will stop ringing our doorbell and handing me that magazine that imparted so much to me, just like that all his efforts…gone, and the worst part is that nobody will miss him, hell nobody would even notice that he is gone.
NOBODY CARES !!!

There’s this one question we face all time and time again, that what do we wish to achieve in life? The answers differ but the gist that we can draw is that everyone wants to make a name for themselves and that everyone wants recognition for their work and appreciation for their efforts.

But sometimes in life you meet some people who don’t want these things, don’t want the luxury, the fame that we crave so much for , These people just want to make a difference, without being seen or heard.
They are the true unsung heroes of our society, and mine goes by the name “Mr Prasad”
The least you could do is recognize yours 🙂
Rahul and Sarah with love

INCREDIBLE INDIA??

What are these cultures and customs, that us Indians are so proud of? Why should we claim to be so different from rest of the shameless and filthy world? Why do we stop women from stepping out and proving their vessel? And how the hell is this our tradition?

Well, the defense lawyers of Nirbhaya rapists and murderers have answer to each of these questions.

One of the lawyers, M.L. Sharma said on the record about the rape victim, “That girl was with some unknown boy who took her on a date. In our society, we never allow our girls to come out of the house after 6.30 or 7.30 or 8.30 in the evening with any unknown person.”

He even added, “She(the Indian woman) should not be put on the street just like food. The lady, on the other hand you can say the girl or woman are more precious than a diamond … are more precious than a gem… than a diamond. It is up to you how you want to keep that diamond in your hand. If you put on the street , certainly the dog will take it out. You can’t stop it…”

Some words of wisdom these were, isn’t it? Listen up women,stop stepping outside your house after 6 pm, else our innocent dogs will take you out, its not their fault. This is the very law of nature, you see Indian men are predators who exercise complete authority in their territory that we like to call society. Does anyone blame the lion if it kills the prey, then by what right are you questioning the manhood of Indian men?

Stupid women, stupid feminists, all pointless things they say. If you personally ask me, rapes should be officially named as the “rite of passage” for the men, sorry my bad, roaring tigers of India. Let’s add this in our traditions, get a shubh muhurat for this, pick up a pure and classy girl and get this done with.

I salute our visionary government, who banned this senseless documentary called “India’s daughter” made by BBC. I mean, why are these outsiders trying to show us the mirror, don’t we already know these things. I guess nobody told them that, we have made peace with the things around us, hell we take pride in the way this country is. The fathers withhold the society’s respect by honour killing their wayward daughters, the young males retaliate with acid attacks and rapes when rejected by a girl, and lastly our literate MPs and MLAs then educate our population by saying “Arrey ladke hi to hai, ho jaati hai galti“.

I praise the lords that I was born in this country of great men and…well great men only. I am glad that I stood as a spectator when my fellow brothers were exercising their rights, unlike those delusional feminists who fight for the inferior kind.

So please, Dear women of India, mend your ways else you know inevitable justice awaits you.

Oh and by the way, HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY, celebrate it till you last !!!

~Mr. Lazy